Home

It's me again.

Since I've sent emails on every country I've been to on my travels I thought I'd better send one more email on my final country. So here I am in the small European nation of England. I arrived in pouring rain, which is pretty normal according to the locals, and made my way to the tropical hotspot of Canvey Island by bus, tube, another tube, train, another bus, and a bit of a walk. I'm staying in a nice little hostel called 'Home'. It's run by a middle-aged couple known as 'Mum' and 'Dad' and is a really good deal. I get my own room, cooked meals, and complimentary snacks throughout the day. They even do your laundry for you. The only other guest is a girl known as 'Sister' which is annoying as she has a habit of hogging the remote for the TV and eating all the best crisps. Best of all is that until I find work, the hostel is rent-free. I might hang around for a while.


So I showed up on the doorstep without warning, wondering what kind of reception I'd come home to. I hoped that someone was home as I'd travelled for about 28 hours to get there and didn't fancy sitting on the step for hours waiting for someone to show up. As it turned out, my mum was home, so I thought I'd surprise her. This is what happened:

(Mum is opening the door)
Me: Avon calling
(Mum looks at her Avon booking stuff next to the door without looking at me)
Mum: (Still looking to the side) No, not today thanks
Me: OK then, Jehova's Witness.
(Mum looks puzzled, but still isn't looking me in the eye)
Mum: No thanks, sorry.
(She finally glances at me, but kind of looks through me rather than at me, and then shuts the door)
Me: MUUUUUM!!!
(Opens the door again and realises it's me)
Mum: Aaaaaaaghhhh!!!....... (etc...)

You couldn't make it up. I came all the way around the world and my mum shuts the door in my face. You've got to laugh. I've been back just over a week now, and in addition to my Mum's weirdness, my sister is making more money than I ever did childminding a few hours a day, my other sister appeared in Mama Mia in the West End, and even more bizarrely my Dad is into the Scissor Sisters. Apart from that, nothing has changed. It's like I never left and it was all a strange Dallas-like dream. Although anyone who dreamt of teaching line dancing, hanging upside-down in the rainforest, being left behind by a bus, and spending two weeks sick in bed has some serious issues.

So what's the moral to all this travelling business? I've come up with a few things:

1) Wearing the same few clothes for a year really isn't that much fun
2) It's surprising how quickly your definition of 'clean' can change
3) Germans are much nicer than you'd expect
4) There are a lot more things you can do with pasta than you'd first imagine
5) A job can still be boring, even if it's in an exotic location
6) There's a reason cheap wine is so cheap (does 'made with milk, egg and fish products' sound tempting?)
7) You're never too old to pack your job in and bum around the world for a few months
8) There will always be a snorer in your room. The hostels spread them out for maximum annoyance
9) There are chavs all over the world
10) Britain is a really good country. Appreciate it.

I'm sure my parents are loving having me back, especially when soaps are on. Who's he? Who's she? What happened to the other bloke? When did them two get together? I thought he was with the other girl? I thought they hated each other? Why is he working there now? You know, that kind of thing. And my other favourite thing. In Australia, they don't have that, they have this. In Australia, they don't look like that, they look like that. In Australia, people don't say that, they say this. In Australia... (you get the idea). Any of my friends who have been subjected to my 'one time at band camp' stories can now look forward to my 'one time in Australia' stories, so watch out.

Anyway, that's the end of that. Over and out.